its been forever since I have written on my livejournal.  i check it maybe once every two or three months but it seems as if everyone has abandoned it.  that's ok.  i need an outlet and i have blogger but i feel that is a front and I am not sure i can do it anymore.  also, there is facebook but i hate hate hate facebook.  the only reason i keep it around is for family members that dont live near us.

first, i am back in louisiana living with my grandparents and this makes me want to scream.  i hate living here and i know they dont want me here but i have to keep in mind it is only for a little while.  i am hoping to go apartment hunting sometime next week.

second, i feel torn and untrue to myself.  i know i need to just be me but it is hard whenever you live your life under a microscope.

third, i really hope to keep up with this even if no one follows me i promise it will be own little heaven.


I have been thinking of my journal lately. Should i keep it (yes!) and if i do then what do i want out of my jourrnal? One, i want it to reflect me more than it does now. Two, i want to write in it daily. Life happens everyday so why should i not write everything down everyday?! But i am not sure if i'll keep it on lj ( which is by far my favorite) or jump over to blogger. Hmm i'll decide soon.

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garden State

(no subject)

I'm in LA, finally. Feels great.

I'm excited about tomorrow. Seeing everyone. maddax's bday party @ pinnochios.

I'm not excited about DBo being there. so awkward. get your own friends and leave us alone!


i really do believe i am the ONLY one that updates livejournal anymore. that's ok. i love it.!.

(no subject)

As crazy & messed up things are now, i feel at peace.

i'm so ready for:
a vacation
going to the beach
moving to la
living life
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(no subject)

last night i had an effed up dream. like. seriously.

it starts out i'm outside at my grandparents house. all of a sudden the sky gets completely black and grasshoppers/bugs started falling from the sky. we run inside and i start freaking out saying it was the end of the world.

all of a sudden we are in this room [sorta looks like a library minus tables]. there are several families there but we are divided into our own families. we are praying. everyone is.

me and two other girls start floating to heaven. at this point i figure i'm dying. as we float up we pass through "clouds"[?] of multicolored pastels. I do not want to leave my husband or son but i feel a peace over me and i know he will be ok, taken care of. we float higher and higher.

finally, me and another girl slowly come to a stop. the third girl keeps going to heaven. we are going back to our families. i'm happy but want that peace. before i make it to my family, i wake up in my dream & i'm on my grandparents sofa with everyone around me. seems i had been stung by several bugs and passed out. this is where i woke up.

this is not the first wacked out dream i had. i've been having them several weeks now. like pregnancy dreams. but i'm not.

i need a dream interpretation.
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    sore sore